Patients Released Only After Saying “I Meant It” Fifty Times
Trump Opens “Apology Rehab Center” for Weak Politicians–Treatment Involves Loud Speeches, Gold Therapy, and Blame Yoga
Patients Released Only After Saying “I Meant It” Fifty Times
PALM BEACH, FL — In a bold effort to toughen up the nation’s most regretful leaders, Donald Trump has opened the *Apology Rehab Center for Weak Politicians*, a luxurious facility where no one is allowed to feel guilty, look introspective, or even whisper the word “oops.”
“We’re fixing a pandemic of cowardice,” Trump declared at the ribbon-cutting, where the scissors were replaced with finger guns and a choir hummed “Hail to the No.’
The center features gold-plated therapy rooms where patients practice shouting their intentions over a soundtrack of Trump rally chants. Group therapy sessions include “Blame Yoga,” where each stretch corresponds to an excuse (“Downward Deflect,” “Gaslight Cobra,” “Alternative Fact Tree Pose”).
One patient, a former senator caught flip-flopping on TikTok bans, was seen weeping during “Confidence Sauna” until staff reminded him he had *never been wrong, just early.*
Melania toured the center once and reportedly whispered, “This is just marriage.”
Each politician must pass a final test: delivering a 30-minute unscripted rant into a mirror without breaking eye contact or blinking.
“They come in broken,” Trump said. “They leave bulletproof and incapable of remorse. That’s leadership.”
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SOURCES:
How to Be POTUS Without Reading Anything
and
How to Be POTUS Without Ever Apologizing
